Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
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[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Chicago sounds lovely.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.