“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Sponch
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?