As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
“you recording!?”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane