Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I created you as mosquito food.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Yup!
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers