“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
*skinny dips into black hole
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday