Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
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The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
tinder is all about the long game
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.