*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.