ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Ah yes. The three genders
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
live long and prosper!
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly