It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I’m good, thanks.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
the dark web is just a goth google.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely