I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?