FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
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Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?