DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
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Worst Native American name ever.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”