Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
You Might Also Like
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.