Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
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I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.