Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
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When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My what?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.