*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
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Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.