My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
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Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?