….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
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Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women