All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
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Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.