[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
That time Alicia messaged me
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.