CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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Möther may I have a snäck
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Shower sex be like:
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?