What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
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God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
the three genders
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever