I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows