The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
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sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
hi why am I like this
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
The game has officially changed 😎
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.