NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
You Might Also Like
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy