Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
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Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.