I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.