*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read