*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
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Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
🤣😂
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.