Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?