Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
This hospital has everything
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
oh shit
mmm onion ringos
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.