GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
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When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK