“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed