Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
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Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark