Hey I worked for it too!
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in