that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Lmao
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.