deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
new record!
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history