Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
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If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.