I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
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Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts