I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?