According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Cucumbers Anonymous
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine