I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
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Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
reviewed some movies recently
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something