hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.