Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Warm pools make me nervous.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch