Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home