Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”