sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Tuesday
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force