there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
But wait…
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.