Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
You Might Also Like
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I have a black belt in leather
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08