The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*